found poetry - in progress
To reflect my first three weeks of grad school:
coming with more urgency, my plans changed
accompanied by my stranger cousin
walkie talkies with Chrissy
Granpa could die any time - don't dawdle
he lingered a week after his brain synapses collapsed
not eating, not drinking
responding only enough time to count on the fingers of his large hands
motioned prune picking, then turning on an ancient, invisible drier
they saved the farm that way, Uncle Forrest and Granpa, with hard work
Grandpa was the last of his sibblings to make it to heaven
Only Orpha, Forrest's wife is left
Dying was hard work,
He died while Daniel and Bren were talking with him
Saturday evening
Friday we had talked, me to Grandpa and me for him too
he's stopped squeezing hands or moving
I said I was sad that he was leaving us, sad that he'd miss my wedding
sad that he wouldn't know my children and that they wouldn't know him
But glad he would be with Grandpa
"You would say to stick close to God, to be grounded in the word."
I love you and I know you love me
I cried and still am, I don't know why
growing old was hard work, I say growing up is hard work too
they say dying people don't notice their dry mouths
I came into the room thirsty, and could only think of how horrible it would be
to lay there for days without a drink
I tried using a wash cloth finally
Grandpa moved his lips as I washed them,
hoping I was helping
Compassion
As Grandpa was dying,
ThursdayI was moving into my new home, for the next year
it's at the end of a coundry/woods road
a room and run of the house
perfect. furnishings provided, internet connection, firm mattress
recycling, 2.1 miles from the friendly Newberg gas station
FridayI was running errands, getting finanacial aid
checking in at school
spending time with grandpa:talking, online, studying
Mom and Bren and Dan arrived
SaturdayI was taking my ORELA test in Portland
"I know how to get to Powells" except when I'm on the wrong freeway
spending time with Chrissy before her Morocco trip
eating dessert, paying the bill or driving when he took his final breaths
so glad Dan got to talk with him, to him, near him
What is Brenda thinking?
got to kiss his cheek one last time, scratchy with the day's growth just starting to show
stayed the night with family in Grandpa's old room
went to church on Sunday, late, awkward, good message, so many people
went to see Marybel - another cousin to connect with, becoming my phone-a-nurse
Started school the next day. Oreintation.
Loved classes, I like the interaction, like to learn in class
1 hour for lunch and late for my first class after lunch
ate with my mom and sister who were cleaning out Grandpa's room
Tardiness became a habit. Why? This is a pattern from ages past.
Fix a great dinner, enjoying life until
anxiety that evening - reading to do, a paper to print, but how?
my printer is still in the mail
Jan's
but I waste hours trying to connect my computer
still haven't read
stomach dumping acid, hearing the echos "i can't" "quitting is an option" "this just isn't the best time"
by midnight I go back home to sleep. Can't.
dumping more acid, sick, full of fear acid
finally throwing up, sleep for 1/2 hour, sick, trying to return to calm
As dawn hints, I call dad and cry,
I ask him to pray, he does and mom calls me back later
she got in at 4am
I throw up one more time and slowly put my clothes on
can't miss class - this is grad school
I only take in soda water all day
finish my paper at noon at Jan's
it's for my peers, not for a teacher, so it's important, their learning depends on me
And I'm awake, not sleepy at all. God shows up.
One professor's daily lesson includes hope, just for me. God shows up again.
Both my professors are supportive,
I give myself a week to make it or drop out
I don't remember much after that - chapter outlines due daily, readings assigned daily.
"Discourse" finally comes together, I start reading/comprehending better
I like to read slowly, to understand all levels, to hear the words in my head. I really never finish reading the first assigned readings. Luckily, my cohort teacher believes that more isn't always better. God again. My cohort has challenging, intellectual and caring people in it.
I make my HS group laugh when telling them I've signed up for the money.
They think I'm smart, they recognize the value I have to offer, I've become more elloquent
Granpa's funeral is Saturday. I go down to Salem to stay with my family. The bury Grandpa's ashed beside grandma's ashed, in a bag grandma made for Grandpa. We visit with a lot of people. My childhood friend, and Granpa's next door neighboor girl - Janel - is there and says without Grandpa and Grandma, she probably wouldn't be a Christian today. Praise the Lord, Grandpa might chime. He didn't want our attention, wanted it to be directed to God. Sunday I went back to Rosedale church in the red hills where Grandpa was born and burried. His grandparents are burried up there too. Another visit with Marybel.
Comfort in the second week of grad school - Frank Smith
learning does not have to be hard work, it's natural, from the company you keep.
Teaching a mim Spanish lesson with Britany, fellow Spanish teacher wanna-be.
Free to ask questions of each other, we are vulnerable to say when we don't understand
So good, so very good. No one puts the other down for asking. If anything they are applauded.
4th of July weekend - 24 hours to Twin Rocks and back to deliver one of the Girls Camp speakers. My housemate, Johannan went along for the ride. Good to get to know her. 4 days without classes. Work on altering one of our books for Theory. That's our final project - no tests. NO TESTS YET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wake up in the middle of the night with take-your-breath-away chest pain - sleep deprivation (getting 6 or more a night) or a dream or ?
20 min. celebraton on Thursday - three classes down in three weeks (2-3 months worth of material). Only two more weeks of classes to go this summer.
Gabe and I sign up as the first group to present an hour lesson next Monday morning. We don't want to loose this moment that has been built.
Thursday night I look everywhere for my agenda notebook (plans for summer), can't find it and suddenly my neck starts to hurt with a stiff, tightness. Find the notebook in my TO Do file. logical
try to sleep
wake up in the middle of the night and I can't move my neck.
No sleep or comfort.
nothing helps, although a bit more mobility is restored as I move around in the morning.
I work through the constant pain and pulsing headache as Gabe and I meticulously plan our Monday presentation. We have no school but we use the morning to get our planning done. Good time to do a project!!! Chiropractor adjusts my c1 and C2 and T1 & T2? adds heat (I feel fairly good during the heating part). But as soon as I move - the pain returns. I buy a $20 heating pad from Freddies while shopping - I want to eat eggs in the morning, be able to make tuna on toast and bake chocolate chip cookies. Flour and sugar, eggs and milk, fresh fruit for lunches.
I'm slowing reading when Karen and Craig come home. Their family has had this odd flu that makes one's neck stiff. Yes! I'm not totally crazy.
Stressed, yes.
Yet, not wanting to use that or death or sickness as excusses. It's too easy to play that role. and not everyone knows yet that I am confident - my advisor suggested I work on my confident teaching voice and posture. Good advice, she might be giving it to all 20 of us in the co-hort.
When is the stress management course coming up? I think it is happening simultaneously with Cook, Don't Food Poison Yourself, and Bike Maintanance, Time Management and Printer Troubleshooting.
coming with more urgency, my plans changed
accompanied by my stranger cousin
walkie talkies with Chrissy
Granpa could die any time - don't dawdle
he lingered a week after his brain synapses collapsed
not eating, not drinking
responding only enough time to count on the fingers of his large hands
motioned prune picking, then turning on an ancient, invisible drier
they saved the farm that way, Uncle Forrest and Granpa, with hard work
Grandpa was the last of his sibblings to make it to heaven
Only Orpha, Forrest's wife is left
Dying was hard work,
He died while Daniel and Bren were talking with him
Saturday evening
Friday we had talked, me to Grandpa and me for him too
he's stopped squeezing hands or moving
I said I was sad that he was leaving us, sad that he'd miss my wedding
sad that he wouldn't know my children and that they wouldn't know him
But glad he would be with Grandpa
"You would say to stick close to God, to be grounded in the word."
I love you and I know you love me
I cried and still am, I don't know why
growing old was hard work, I say growing up is hard work too
they say dying people don't notice their dry mouths
I came into the room thirsty, and could only think of how horrible it would be
to lay there for days without a drink
I tried using a wash cloth finally
Grandpa moved his lips as I washed them,
hoping I was helping
Compassion
As Grandpa was dying,
ThursdayI was moving into my new home, for the next year
it's at the end of a coundry/woods road
a room and run of the house
perfect. furnishings provided, internet connection, firm mattress
recycling, 2.1 miles from the friendly Newberg gas station
FridayI was running errands, getting finanacial aid
checking in at school
spending time with grandpa:talking, online, studying
Mom and Bren and Dan arrived
SaturdayI was taking my ORELA test in Portland
"I know how to get to Powells" except when I'm on the wrong freeway
spending time with Chrissy before her Morocco trip
eating dessert, paying the bill or driving when he took his final breaths
so glad Dan got to talk with him, to him, near him
What is Brenda thinking?
got to kiss his cheek one last time, scratchy with the day's growth just starting to show
stayed the night with family in Grandpa's old room
went to church on Sunday, late, awkward, good message, so many people
went to see Marybel - another cousin to connect with, becoming my phone-a-nurse
Started school the next day. Oreintation.
Loved classes, I like the interaction, like to learn in class
1 hour for lunch and late for my first class after lunch
ate with my mom and sister who were cleaning out Grandpa's room
Tardiness became a habit. Why? This is a pattern from ages past.
Fix a great dinner, enjoying life until
anxiety that evening - reading to do, a paper to print, but how?
my printer is still in the mail
Jan's
but I waste hours trying to connect my computer
still haven't read
stomach dumping acid, hearing the echos "i can't" "quitting is an option" "this just isn't the best time"
by midnight I go back home to sleep. Can't.
dumping more acid, sick, full of fear acid
finally throwing up, sleep for 1/2 hour, sick, trying to return to calm
As dawn hints, I call dad and cry,
I ask him to pray, he does and mom calls me back later
she got in at 4am
I throw up one more time and slowly put my clothes on
can't miss class - this is grad school
I only take in soda water all day
finish my paper at noon at Jan's
it's for my peers, not for a teacher, so it's important, their learning depends on me
And I'm awake, not sleepy at all. God shows up.
One professor's daily lesson includes hope, just for me. God shows up again.
Both my professors are supportive,
I give myself a week to make it or drop out
I don't remember much after that - chapter outlines due daily, readings assigned daily.
"Discourse" finally comes together, I start reading/comprehending better
I like to read slowly, to understand all levels, to hear the words in my head. I really never finish reading the first assigned readings. Luckily, my cohort teacher believes that more isn't always better. God again. My cohort has challenging, intellectual and caring people in it.
I make my HS group laugh when telling them I've signed up for the money.
They think I'm smart, they recognize the value I have to offer, I've become more elloquent
Granpa's funeral is Saturday. I go down to Salem to stay with my family. The bury Grandpa's ashed beside grandma's ashed, in a bag grandma made for Grandpa. We visit with a lot of people. My childhood friend, and Granpa's next door neighboor girl - Janel - is there and says without Grandpa and Grandma, she probably wouldn't be a Christian today. Praise the Lord, Grandpa might chime. He didn't want our attention, wanted it to be directed to God. Sunday I went back to Rosedale church in the red hills where Grandpa was born and burried. His grandparents are burried up there too. Another visit with Marybel.
Comfort in the second week of grad school - Frank Smith
learning does not have to be hard work, it's natural, from the company you keep.
Teaching a mim Spanish lesson with Britany, fellow Spanish teacher wanna-be.
Free to ask questions of each other, we are vulnerable to say when we don't understand
So good, so very good. No one puts the other down for asking. If anything they are applauded.
4th of July weekend - 24 hours to Twin Rocks and back to deliver one of the Girls Camp speakers. My housemate, Johannan went along for the ride. Good to get to know her. 4 days without classes. Work on altering one of our books for Theory. That's our final project - no tests. NO TESTS YET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wake up in the middle of the night with take-your-breath-away chest pain - sleep deprivation (getting 6 or more a night) or a dream or ?
20 min. celebraton on Thursday - three classes down in three weeks (2-3 months worth of material). Only two more weeks of classes to go this summer.
Gabe and I sign up as the first group to present an hour lesson next Monday morning. We don't want to loose this moment that has been built.
Thursday night I look everywhere for my agenda notebook (plans for summer), can't find it and suddenly my neck starts to hurt with a stiff, tightness. Find the notebook in my TO Do file. logical
try to sleep
wake up in the middle of the night and I can't move my neck.
No sleep or comfort.
nothing helps, although a bit more mobility is restored as I move around in the morning.
I work through the constant pain and pulsing headache as Gabe and I meticulously plan our Monday presentation. We have no school but we use the morning to get our planning done. Good time to do a project!!! Chiropractor adjusts my c1 and C2 and T1 & T2? adds heat (I feel fairly good during the heating part). But as soon as I move - the pain returns. I buy a $20 heating pad from Freddies while shopping - I want to eat eggs in the morning, be able to make tuna on toast and bake chocolate chip cookies. Flour and sugar, eggs and milk, fresh fruit for lunches.
I'm slowing reading when Karen and Craig come home. Their family has had this odd flu that makes one's neck stiff. Yes! I'm not totally crazy.
Stressed, yes.
Yet, not wanting to use that or death or sickness as excusses. It's too easy to play that role. and not everyone knows yet that I am confident - my advisor suggested I work on my confident teaching voice and posture. Good advice, she might be giving it to all 20 of us in the co-hort.
When is the stress management course coming up? I think it is happening simultaneously with Cook, Don't Food Poison Yourself, and Bike Maintanance, Time Management and Printer Troubleshooting.
posted by Joyce White at
11:10 PM
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